Today I realized that I have moved on definitely, if moving on is defined as knowing it's over.
But I haven't stopped loving you and I don't think I was aware of this until now. And I've been thinking that it's okay if I still love you, it hurts me to think about it, but really you can't just stop loving someone just because you can never be together. And just because I still love you, it doesn't mean I can't love anyone new - love isn't something that is finite. Love is infinite.
Close to four years of memories between us that ended eight months ago.
It was his birthday at the start of this week. I hadn't really actively thought that I would actually feel anything or feel inclined to send him a greeting. Birthdays and celebrations had always been a highlight for us, it's something we enjoyed doing together.
I wished him anyway and wrote a message that said I wanted him to know that I didn't feel any hard feelings towards him and that I wanted him to know that I understand and feel happy for him that he has the chance to do what makes him feel right. And I think that's probably the most selfless thing I have done for him through all that time I've known him. Because it really hurt me to say that, not because I don't want him to be happy but because I know he could have been happy either way - be it path A or path B, with the catch that both paths could never merge. He chose to let me go and let go of everything that we shared even though I know that we could have been happy together.
Thinking about that really hurts me, but ultimately, I know that when I sent him that message, it's the one thing that would truly release him to pursue the path he had chosen with no more negativity or 'regrets'. I'm not really sure how to describe this, but I know he loved me and that letting me go was possibly one of the most difficulty things that he's had to do as well. Twisted as it may sound, sometimes we just cannot help certain decisions that we have to make. And it might sound a little presumptuous on my part, but I know that should he have chosen to be with me instead, he would never be able to truly do that because his family would never be able to do what I just did for him - they would never be able to feel happy for the choices he made if that choice was not aligned with theirs.
I didn't think I had any more tears left for him. But this week has been difficult. Lots of memories we shared have been floating through my mind and perhaps this could be an indication that I'm currently in the process of truly coming to terms with the fact that it's over - that it will never be again.
The best thing to do honestly is to just not look at anything that reminds me of him right now so I can focus on healing and moving on. I wonder if there would ever be a day where I could feel nothing when I think about him and about us.
It’s getting better daily and while I still feel overwhelmed by all that I’m feeling at times, I’m finding that focusing on being present instead of allowing my mind to wander with my “fears” is helping me to take control of my impulses and just let it be. The best way to explain it for myself is probably that I now have so much more clarity behind the intention of all my actions both in the past and in the present, it hasn’t been easy to admit to myself that I have been insecure and fearful of loss since my last relationship. I’ve always thought that I had managed it well. But getting actually close to someone I wanted to be with has proven to me that these insecurities are very present and very destructive. This experience has been painful but very necessary for me to learn this about myself and to make the changes I need to make in order to manage these “destructive” parts of me.
I recognised the image of that beach. That was actually one of my favourite memories. It brought me back to the very start, reminded me of when I felt at peace, before everything else in between happened.
Now, I know very clearly that we were not suited for each other. Would it have worked? Probably. I chose to give you so much of myself, give up so much of myself to make it work. Looking back now, it was so unhealthy for me. Perhaps for you too, perhaps you had given up so much for me as well.
It’s really difficult for me to express what our relationship truly was and why I kept going on with it. Sometimes I think back and see so clearly that you would never be able to love me the way I needed you to.
I’ve never fought harder in my life than I did with you and for you. I did love you, especially so if we defined love as a verb. I tried so hard to ensure you were happy. But it’s now so painfully clear how part of me was so unhappy, and perhaps part of you was too. I didn’t think those parts of me were as important, but they are. I deserve better and so did you.
I never want to be sort of person who dwells on past hurts, or gets caught up in replaying all the worst moments. If my brain chooses to block everything out and if my memories of us and all that we shared grows fuzzy as time passes, I’ll remember our time at that beach. We sat and watched the most beautiful sunset, it wasn’t planned, we found ourselves there just because. We looked out for sea turtles and whales, chased the waves and felt the sand in our toes. A man chatted with us - he was from a tiny island in the middle of the pacific and he was waiting for the sun to set so he could fish. It was a full moon that night, he explained, fish are most active at night during a full moon. Maybe other memories would slip into my active consciousness every now and then, maybe I’ll write about them then but right now, and since the day we were at that beach, this memory has always found it’s way out of the dark recesses of my mind and into my thoughts. Not because I want you back, but just because it truly was a beautiful time in my life.
What right have I got to be in a relationship when I am so unsure over what love is now.
We fought again.
This time, I haven't felt the same way as I have felt in the past. What does that mean?
In my mind this is what happened.
I felt disappointed firstly that he did not come to help me like he said he would. I felt put in a difficult situation by him, where he asked "should I come, or just see you tomorrow" - that question in itself indicated to me that he would rather just see me tomorrow because he didn't really feel like coming and doing something he didn't really want to do. And I hate having to ask him for favours like this. I want someone who is attentive to who I am as a person, and would know when I really wanted him to help and when it's not so necessary.
I think I got really upset when he called to say he wouldn't be coming after I said "did you wanna come and help me?", and I told him I was disappointed he wasn't coming. I don't remember how it happened, but it made me really upset that he tried to manipulate the situation into saying that it's my fault for not reminding him the day before about what time he should be here, and that I can't expect him to live his life remembering what he had to do seven days later (I had reminded him last week). He then proceeded to say that he didn't want to have this conversation because it's not his fault, and it's my fault for being a poor planner. That made me really upset, because he was trying to manipulate the situation. And perhaps it's a result of build-ups from past events, where I have frequently felt that he was always defensive, and every time I said something, he would think I was trying to blame him.
Maybe that's the problem. We just have upbringings that are too different. He needs someone entirely submissive, like his mother, and his sister in law. I'm not that person.
I'm not proud of this statement, but I said to him that I was only doing what I needed to do because of him, and what he needed. What hurt me the most was that he proceeded to then say that he's not going to come see me anymore, and that he doesn't have to see me.
Maybe I'm not hurt, maybe it's just that he shattered the illusion of what I felt was real, and the illusion of a person that I held on to.
What could be the right outcome or the wrong outcome?
You told me you were afraid of saying something that might trigger a fight. I've been in that position before.
Maybe fundamentally our differences are just too strong. I react in ways that set you off, and you're unable to give me the love that I need. You feel that I'm being selfish for demanding more, and wonder why I can't just move on or get over it. I wish I knew the answer, I wish I could. I wish you could see that my heart in all of this. All my explanations don't go through to you - are we just too different in our thoughts and the way our minds frame things?
You said you deserve better.
Maybe we all do, but only some of us know how to reach that realisation.
The worst feeling is when something you've been hoping for and wanting so badly turns out...strange. Maybe because you were trying too hard, maybe because of a lack of sleep, maybe because there was too much unsaid. Whatever the reason might have been, it doesn't make this feeling go away, it doesn't make you feel the slightest bit better
I've been thinking that I should start writing again. It might start out clumsy, like learning a new language or picking up an old long-forgotten sport. But I hope that I will look back in the future and remember all these thoughts I had. It's scaring me that each day blends into the next, and I am forgetting the little things I have found beautiful, the passing thoughts, and the precious everyday moments that make me feel truly blessed to be alive.
Since moving back to Melbourne last September, I have found myself walking down paths I'd never dreamt of walking.
Sometimes I feel somewhat displaced when I think about all the things I used to do, and how I don't actually have the drive or time to do the same things anymore. The first half of this year was particularly difficult. And for a few months, all I remember was spending a good portion of every day working so hard, but not achieving anything that gave me any sense of satisfaction. Through that, I've come to realise that in spite of how I believe I am not ambitious - it would kill me to do something I did not believe in. It is so important for me to be doing something that I believe to be productive and useful.
Then came the struggle of leaving - thinking back, it was a stress that did take a toll on me. Working extra days, and multiple jobs, and always worrying.
I just feel thankful, to be where I am right now. I could probably be working a little more, ideally, as what everyone else would be doing. But I need to take it at my own pace and not repeat the same mistake of being pressured by what others might think. The past month of transitioning has been a little bumpy, and there were days when I have worried and wondered - what next? Then I remember and tell myself that I'm in a good place right now, and I need to enjoy where I currently am.
If I have to wonder if I'm doing the right thing, then I'm probably not...right? It's been incredibly difficult for me to be myself. Not that I'm being someone I'm not, because who are we all anyway? We are all the thoughts we put in our minds, we are all the things we think people want us to be, we are who we choose to become.
When I say it's been difficult for me to be myself, I mean that I've been so fearful lately. It almost feels like I'm constantly skating on thin ice. Wondering if what I say or do would lead to yet another misunderstanding. I know it will get better...that everyone takes time to heal.
---
Somedays I look at myself and wonder what the hell I'm doing.
If this is all worth it, if I have changed myself too much, if I can be happy. If this is what it's meant to be, if this is who I really am, if this is what I really want.
Because so often, I do things out of fear. I am too afraid of what might happen, and it clouds my judgement. It confuses what I want and what I fear. So I can't know if I truly want something, or if I'm merely afraid of the alternative option.
Follow your heart, they say. Where is my heart leading me?
Deep down, I know, or I think I do...because no one can know for sure.
There is so much of myself that I am just getting to truly know. Where my limits are? Who I am? What I am willing to compromise. Am I able to forgive someone who wronged me and never gave me a second chance - truly...it's so painful.
I'm barely 25 and I am overwhelmed. On the surface I seem to have it together, but I am just not coping. On my own, I would never be able to hold myself together.
Waking up next to you, waking up to a new day knowing that it would be a safe day.
The last of the four days. Pulled up on Queen Street, I don't know how we got there but you did it for me anyway. 95% of you leaning in to get to me. Because you wanted to.
I was so afraid. Why would I be, or why wouldn't I be?
---
10.01
This date two years ago, I was leaving on my own. Holding on to a person that never really cared for me. Maybe that's harsh, putting it in such absolute terms.
It felt surreal, thinking about all the events and time that had passed. The things I have had to do, the things I have learnt.
---
10.01.16
"Like a mudskipper!"
"Or a sea turtle…"
"My sea turtle."
There was no possibility of drowning. I don't know how long this would last, but I knew for that moment, there was no possibility of drowning.
There's a sense of calm that surrounds me these days. A feeling of being safe, and being able to breathe easy.
An effortless kind of happy. And I'm not afraid to say it today.
Because for a long time, I was always afraid to talk openly about the kind of happiness or joy that came from things that really mattered. Not the sort that is short-lived, but the type that creates a protective buffer against all the other things that happened around you.
---
2015 had been a mixed year. I spent most of it counting down, 23, 19, 15, 2…how many more weeks to go? That always was the recurring thought in my mind as I created a new habit of counting the weeks on the calendar. Between January to September, it seemed January was the only month I really lived as my own person. The months leading up to June, and then September…they feel unreal, like they never happened. But I know I wouldn't trade those times for anything else. I wouldn't be here if not.
Everything, good or bad, can change in a moment. It was good, and then it was bad, and now it's good again. Life never stays static. This too shall pass - good times, bad times. I don't know if anything is exempted.
---
Hello 2016.
You have been so good to me thus far. It's been a long time since I have said this, but I look forward to a new year.
I wish I could perfectly describe in words, this feeling of peace that I have in me. I can't.
I can't remember the last time I have been able to wake up in the mornings without feeling like I was desperately searching for something. Perhaps sometime in 2013. That was a good year. Possibly one of my favourites.
It feels a little unreal that it's December now. Nearly a year has passed. Once again, I never imagined I would be where I am now. Sometimes I think my life is mind-numbingly dull yet heart-wrenchingly unsettled all at once.
But, I wish I could describe this peace in me now. It won't last forever, I know. All I hope for is to end the year with this same peace.
A few months has passed - moving, settling. I've been considering moving back, but deep down I know that in ten years, I might wish I never did.
---
When I look back, would I remember the way you made jokes from puns, and how you once felt bad for tricking me. Maybe I would remember how we used to talk till 4 in the morning, and you would tell me I was up late. Or would I remember the way I tended to state the obvious, following which you would start calling me captain. Perhaps I would remember that you once imagined how I would be fooled by all the things you were reading on April fool's day.
And there were the days we spent together in a world we had created, away from the conditions that would strip us of all colour. You gave me a word with no vowels, and you taught me about shadows and light and many things that made me realise how much you knew about the workings in this world. I never considered my drawings good and I still don't, but you believed in me, wanted to teach me, and you joked about sensing many things you had to teach, one of which involved not burning bbq meat. I remember the way your eyes would fix upon an imaginary point, silently observing. And the one drive we had where you told me you would speak to me soon but I went home feeling like I had lost you. I didn't. I would, but I didn't then. Maybe I did then, but I would never know.
Would I remember that for awhile, thinking about you brought tears to my eyes, and would I remember that you once told me you used to cry easily too. You told me you were never an expressive person, and I couldn't help but wonder why. Would I remember that you told me I had sadness in my eyes, or the way you took both my hands and put them around you.
It was always a full moon. You asked me what I was looking at, and I never told you. It was always a full moon, until the last time, it was waning. You spent one last day with me, and did whatever I wanted. We did nothing significant, but I was happy. "You're cold", you said. A waning moon, a bittersweet time knowing our experiences have culminated.
A few months has passed and I'm writing this now because I know I will forget as I decide to move on, and I want to remember the good parts. I knew from the start that it would end. Thinking back now, what was the point?
There's hardly anyone in this group that I can still connect with. Maybe it's my own fault for not trying harder, but there's just so much built up…so much that has passed…I don't even know where or how to start.
There's nothing worse than being surrounded by people but still be feeling alone.
I know I will come out stronger. I'll keep telling myself that.
Who would've thought that this would actually be so difficult.
In other news, there is no other news. I have lost the drive to write about anything of real importance. The only things I write about are the emotional conflicts I am unable to talk to people about.
I'm holding on to RATIONALITY as my only hope. I existed just fine before any of this happened. Leading on from that, the only logical and rational thought that could follow is that I will continue to be just fine, like how I was before.
But this is life, and life is hardly rational. It's unpredictable and temperamental and full of unwanted surprises. It's no wonder nobody gets out alive.
So, despite my ability to think rationally, or what I like to think of as an ability I do possess…I am having a hard time and that is an understatement in itself. One of the worst feelings for me is not being able to find the right words to express myself. It happens more when I find myself caught up in the heart of the storm - my heart takes over my head and leaves me unable to process what I am feeling. My brain tries to think but the heart goes "NO NO NO". Does that even make sense? The heart is irrational and it refuses to let the brain rationalise itself out of this mess.
That's the most crippling aspect of it all - that when you talk to people they tell you what to do as if you didn't already know what to do. I know exactly what I have to do. And then I'm shot this stare by people who don't understand why I am unable to do what I know I have to do. And I don't have the answers to that. I wish I did, because trust me, I want to stop and I want to be better. I just can't do it right now.
I feel better. And I hope this is the process I need to help myself move on from this.
It's a familiar feeling, that of my heart sinking. What would future me say to present me?
To stop chasing the wind just because it blew.
To let this train pass so the next could come along.
That if a different life was wanted, different choices would have to be made.
That some flowers in nature never get the chance to bloom, and that fate may be challenged but never beaten.
And more and more I'm afraid - what if I never find my way? What of all these things that I just can't know?
I keep telling myself that this should be the last time. Let it go.
This is a recurring loop. It's mid-May. Will this year just slip by, like the past year did. I wish I could stop myself from feeling this way. Instead, fill each day with meaning, face each day with hope.
Reading past emails stirs in me such a heavy sense of feeling alone. Blinded in that moment, looking back I can see how much I have missed. Every opportunity lost, and all the hurt I might have caused.
I'm not even thinking about the what if's; what if I had seen it then, what if I could go back in time to fix things.
Sometimes the plot of my own life doesn't even really make any sense to me any longer. Where will I be, and what will I do? Most children don't think of 'happy' as an answer when people ask what they want to be when they grow up. I was no exception. I always assumed I would be - somewhat happy without having to think about it. But happiness is such a conscious decision, to make each day. Waking up each morning and reminding myself about how blessed I am to be living this life.
And I know I should be happy. I should.
You used to be the only one who understood the sadness I would have for no apparent reason. And the guilt I would go through for feeling that way. So much has happened between us and too much left unspoken. I won't be taking the first step to reconciliation. Perhaps some day, on an eve of Christmas, or on one of the two dates we were each born. Perhaps I would hear from you then, or you from me. Maybe then we could talk about how it's been such a long time since we've spoken, and maybe then things would be set right between us.
I have to let go. Because things that don't matter now will come back to haunt me. And things that seem to be of such great importance now will be nothing more than a naive dream, a figment of an imagined past, a memory of a time filled with uncertainty.
Perhaps it's a pity, perhaps it's a waste, perhaps it's a shame. But perhaps it was the most meaningful thing I had to keep me going. Perhaps it was the most liberating experience I had to let myself just be. Perhaps it was the sweetest escape from reality for a time.
It seems that I need these opposing emotions to keep me balanced. Every moment that lifts me up pulls along a reminder of reality to weigh me back down. Because things that don't matter now will come back to haunt me.
I don't know you, and perhaps that was how I could be so close to you. Opposing forces.
But I don't even know you, or you - me.
In other news, I'm trying not to jinx it here, but I have been looking forward to going to work. Beats feeling at a loss at home.
Will I talk about something happy for a change? Honestly. I don't know where to begin. We're all trying to be okay. Some do it better than others, some are able to look like they do it better than others, some are outrightly bad about it and proudly so. Bottom line is, we're all different, so I can't measure me by your standards.
But I do it all the same.
So, I look forward to work. I've learnt to manage the pressures, mostly, and now it's a way of passing my time. Because the more I try to help you and help us, the more I seem to wish I could take back the things I have said to you. And the more I try to help you and help us, the more the distance between us seems to grow. It's sad how despite all the technology in the world, the unassuming and simple barrier of distance can never be quite fully overcome.
Be warned, that this might be full of grammatical errors, and it will probably sound like me thinking out loud (in typed words).
I wonder if it's normal, for people to think so much about what they're going to do in life, or how they're going to get to where they want to be in life. Could it possibly be a thing about being in your 20s, when life passes both too quickly and too slowly simultaneously.
I've been lucky to have met the people I have at various points in my life, in the various things that I do. It's hard to describe the feelings of paralysis I get from fear and from an irrational sense of being down. It's hard to describe these feelings particularly when there are no apparent reasons behind them. All I know is that I keep doing things not only because I love them, but because they help me avoid feeling so erratic all the time. And it brings me to wonder if I love what I do because it helps me feel better, or if I feel better because I love what I do.
And to be honest, does that really matter? Just like the ending of Inception, where viewers are left wondering if Dom Cobb was in a dream or if it were reality. But, in effect, it didn't matter because he was happy and that's enough for him.
It's been very draining for me, emotionally that is. Letting go, picking up, holding on, holding myself together all in a span of two short months. I don't know how I'm going to get through. It scares me that I don't know if I can ever be truly honest with myself, when my truest thoughts scare me. And it all comes back to that I'm so full of fear.
And the people I've met lately have changed me. Could you un-know me? Maybe my life would be different if I could un-know you? Thank you for being my safety for that short period, and even now. And thank you, for caring for me. I know you see your younger self in me, and you hope I wouldn't fall into the same depths as you did - I don't say it but we're strangers and yet you care for me so much. I don't want to disappoint.
You told me people change, and I silently wished it wouldn't happen to us.
Now the first month of 2015 is over, and half of the second too. Just ten and a half to go.
For some reason, I'm trying to be excited about this year. And I think I actually am starting to be just slightly excited about it.
All change comes with a mix of...anticipation, fear, stress and risk. Always risk.
Anticipation
It seems that this year will be a year of taking risks. I've been sitting on it for a long time now, and it's come to a point where it's got to be now or never.
---
Fear
Does it scare me that I could end up regretting everything? Yes.
But should that necessarily stop me? That's a question I'm still trying to answer. I guess it boils down to whether I'll be happy to settle for what I have now, or if I'm willing to risk everything in hopes of something better.
Creature comforts. Most days I'm okay, and it scares me that I could risk everything to open a box that could have nothing in it. Most days I'm okay, but every day I wonder if I could try harder to get to better. Maybe that is in itself, an answer in its own way.
---
Stress
Survival, passion, reality, the journey of getting from point A to point B.
It seems that there is stress at the core of it all. Stress in finding a balance between survival and chasing my passions, stress in dealing with the fear of losing the stability I have, stress in just being.
---
Risk
I need to take a risk, or I may never settle. Maybe I'll look back at the end of this year, and find that I never ended up taking this risk.
I hope that doesn't happen, and if it does happen, I can only hope I did what I did with good reason. It scares me that this year is a massive question mark, and that everything could change - but that everything could also stay the same.
It's strange that the prospect of everything staying the same scares me, but it does.
I don't know if I will ever see you again, and at this moment, I think I will be okay. But I'm in that stage where the memories of you are so fresh and reality feels unreal.
This might be the most raw post I have, writing on a train and thinking that, time and again time has made a fool of me.
Four days away from work, and realising the beauty of a mundane day. It's almost alarming that I have not had a mundane (week)day since the day I started working. Every day has had an agenda, or a task of some sort. So, as these four days slipped away unknowingly, I found myself starting to think that - hey, I have to make the days count. Just to then realise that if I were to do that, it would strip away the very reason why these days stood out as so special to begin with. And that's when I can't help but think that, time is just so precious and nobody could ever, ever get back time that is lost. I never saw time as particularly precious, but I'm starting to see it's almost sacred.
I'm left at the end of these four days, thinking about how they're now gone, and peering at what lies ahead - yet again, an extremely certain yet uncertain year to come.
2015, you're only about 2 weeks old and I'm already starting to feel tired. How could this possibly be.
Having the worst pre-first-monday-of-the-year blues right now.
2014 has been a long year, and it has taught me a lot about myself - what I can endure, what I can tolerate, what I can change, and also, what I can't. Honestly, this year felt like it was going nowhere. Weekdays never seemed to pass quickly enough and each day felt like a journey around the same spot. Round and round and round the same dreadful cycle, leading back to where I started each day.
I guess it's been a defining year in my life with many significant changes..I've moved countries, left student life, and started a new full time job that I was not mentally nor emotionally prepared for. While 2014 is a year I would rather not remember, I think it's been a year of no regrets. I've grown to take on the responsibilities of being involved with the people I work with, and learnt to enjoy the challenges that come along with it. I've also pushed myself to pursue my passions outside work and as I type this on a dreary Sunday night, the words from Corinthians - we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair - come to mind. It reminds me that 2014 had been a year of grace.
Goodbye 2014, I've dreaded nearly every day you had to offer, but even so, it has all come to pass.
It's only the air you took, and the breath you left.
When a space is so full it's overflowing, there's no room for anything else.
But I'm so drawn to this space where there's no room for me. Brief moments in a corner of your heart become my best memories. We've been in and out of this for so long, sometimes I lose sight of what it means to me. You're in and I'm in, you're out and I'm still in. We are circling different orbits, one full of light, and one full of dark.
Maybe we'll find a new ending, perhaps it wouldn't be what we both hoped for, but either way I know you will be happy as you always are. And strangely enough, that makes me happy.
